I'm in Paris, now. You were right. Palmer was suffocating, and everything changed. People got older, and they got meaner. They aren't as nice as they used to be, and all the places I know don't seem so welcoming anymore. Every Thursday I still go and eat lunch on the stage, but you don't say soliloquies anymore. I sleep with the wedding blanket, because it's warm and it reminds me of the way things used to be. I make a wish every day that you're alive on my magic lamp, but I tell everyone else that I'm just cleaning it off. No one really gets that I'm hoping for a genie, but I like to imagine you would (even if I might be wrong). I tried being mature and grown up for a while, I was a secretary, but I'm much happier running around being happy. Growing up means being miserable, and I guess that's just life for you. Maybe you skipped that. Though... I know that isn't true.
I talked to your stepmom, and she told me why things ended after twenty-seven days. You know, as much as Vivian was nice, and her red hair was very pretty, I'm a little mad at her. Maybe if she hadn't done that I wouldn't have been stupid enough to stay here. Maybe we'd be married for two years now, and maybe we'd both be in New York. You'd be alive, and you'd smile at me every morning and call me 'mi fleur de ma corozon', or however you write it. You'd put your forehead against mine, and you'd kiss my nose, and then we'd carry along our days. My hair would be shorter, I think, and I'd wear more bows. I'd still be talking to my family, and I wouldn't have overdosed. But... a lot of these things weren't her fault, or yours, I've just made some really bad choices. I can accept that, and take responsibility for that.
I just wish that you were alive, because it's hard to imagine your hands cold, or not there anymore. I want you to be alive. Can't you come back, please?
...I'll change my flight plans. I'm going to go to New York. I'm mailing this to the address you gave me, and if you get it, I will meet you in front of the Disney Store on Fifth. I'll sing Edelveiss if you really want, and I'll wait for you for a year. And if you don't come after a year, I'll just join you.
Love, Taterbug
