fuck.

fuck this fuck you fuck trying fuck hurting fuck wanting fuck being fuck this fuck that fuck him fuck her fuck wanting fuck longing fuck belonging fuck listening fuck caring fuck love fuck hate fuck friendship fuck giving a damn fuck being someone fuck importance fuck excitement fuck muse fuck belonging fuck this fuck that fuck me.

reflection

i started this at midnight- just for reference.

Looking back onto my free writes over the semester, I see a slowly developing process. At first, it’s easy to see how unsure I was about what I was writing. More than anything, my free writes were like journals- recollecting on my life, showing me how I felt. My life felt more and more like a story the more I read it. However, as I passed on over time, the development is clear. Looking at the flow of entries, I see how my writing changed to develop stories and theories, opinions and thoughts into small, poetic pieces. Each paragraph resounds into a different part of me, and I can remember exactly how I felt each time, how much my heart ached, or my mind soared to argue. My feelings developed from angry moments where I recollected about my day into ideas about the world around me, my writing style losing etiquette, but in a way I was very comfortable with. And while I may have lost that skill, to a degree, it relaxed my style of writing. I feel so much more confident about all that I write about, having the ability to write at any spur of the moment and be proud of my work. It’s why I put my work on a blog. I am proud of my work, and I want to share it with everyone- I want people to see what I feel and have thoughts about, and watch my work develop as I do the same. My voice changes over time, and I think I want to continue this- I want to watch my voice and style change over time, and see where it takes me- which is why I’ve decided to do a free write once every three days!

final free write.

i was trying to find one more free write- one more little thing i could show you before i had to go.

and all i could find was:

"I dont have any specific entries, but I know there were angry one

The pages were ananymous, and looking back they were the type that couldn't really be defined from each other"

I have decided to continue for three minutes. i had promised myself that i was going to write in a journal, a long wonderful, beautiful binder full of all sorts of things- pictures and drawings. i never really drew with my free writes though- the art in them often lay in words. and so i decided why not just use the art i love the most? this is my blog, and this blog holds solely my work in writer's craft. why? well, why not? they share my opinions and beautiful words, everything i've felt and thought of- characters i have created and examined, things i have observed. if there is one thing i enjoy it is that.

i am reflecting- i promised myself i would do that at midnight for memories sake.

my everything is purple and pink in here- i remember when it was blue and green, painted like a garden. i remember when my mom painted it, with a roller covered in sheets and paint- it smelled like turpentine for weeks. but she did it because i loved it. i painted my room myself, it's a bit of a shoddy job but it brings me memories too- i stopped talking to my best friend for two months because of this paint job, she wanted to go to the mall.

hey jess? you were a stupid kid. but it's okay, cause i cried and apologized for being mad. and i used to be dumb and sing opera. we all have our flaws.

love and appreciate more than anything else, and adore everything it is that you do. admire all, never hate- never despise. love, love above all other things- holy fuck do these words befit the music i'm listening to right now. it's amazing.

thanks james horner, you're a right ol' pal.

i listen to soundtracks when i write because i think they add more depth to my emotion- does that seemw eird to anyone else or is it just me? i'm sometimes insecure. this is a good, final free write though i think.

...shit. i didn't even start the timer. oh well.

pink writing- sometime in march.

Im not really sure what to write about in here, I'm feeling kinda weird. People need to shut up. Uhm, okay. my name is Caitlin, but on the attendance Im called Cait. I don't know why but I kind of dislike being called Cait. I was called Cait at Bateman, and its like my name on facebook, but it feels weird here, now. Emily Bruno forgot about Bateman, I haven't been able to. I wonder what life would be like if I was still at Bateman.

march 3rd

I am ridiculously angry. You know what? I HATE BITCHES. Stupid bitches who think they rule the world. A and D can go be freaks together, I've had enoug of them and their better than SHIT.Seriously, all they do is contribute to the stress and drama, and then when we get tired of their clique-y bitching and turn on them they get butthurt and bitch at the weaker people who will take it. Fuck them, seriously. They sit there on their high horses and tell us to stop being so high school? WE'RE WRITING A BOOK, GET THE FUCK OVER IT. It's not personal, it's not about you, we just don't like where you're going with shit. So stop harassing your friends, being two-faced bitches and GROW THE FUCK UP. Oh, and if you don't? I'll fucking kick you off the author list, take out your input and your words. You have no control, nor will you ever. I am in charge, and this is my story. So frankly, STFU or GTFO.

I feel a bit better now. I am sleepy though. I want some food and cake. Will this end? Where are the chocolate strawberries? I am afraid about tomorrow.

february 27th

Im really feeling in a good mood today; like I'm unstoppable or something. its nice, because I know there are bad things out there- people who are angry, but I don't care! I worry my app to Kings may be too late- Mom will kill me. Reminder to print off that today, mhm. Hm. I am trying to think of three essays I have done. English, english, history, are they good enough? I need my transcripts, or something like that... and I need those STAT. I wish I could just do it now! Cause I don't want to write. I don't even really want to go to Kings, but I have to apply... early modern studies, WTF is that? ugh, good mood ruined. And that'd be a great ending, but no, no. I want to get into the classics- Ancient Greece and Rome. Mythology, culture- I adore everything about it. Please, please let me get accepted somewhere for the Classics- please? I'm smart, and I'm working on my organization

sometime in february- the ink is still purple.

I don't know what to write today, but I'm feeling pretty good today., I love Ella Fitzgerald, and not just the singer. The sweet little cupcake bookworm friend who would rather read Alice in Wonderland than watch any film. Innocence in the form of a little girl contented with novels and books, who chooeses to explore rather than endure. One life to live, so live it full, happy and content. Don't let dungeons stop you from being free, don't let loving someone stop you from being close to them. Its weird when your best friend wants to kill you, I think. Really weird. Even weirder when your best friend is sixty, and looks nothing of the sort. I enjoy ballet, and not cooking, ice cream and novels, being cozy and not being alone. The colour yellow is a great colour, I can't wait until the summer. I don't want to costume anymore, but I still want to? Why are these always a journal for me? My ideas are mulling.

blue.

your eyes always seemed so much nicer than mine. now, the thing about your eyes though is that even though they are much nicer, they are poorly kempt. i always noticed that while your eyes were a bright blue, you had a terrible unibrow to match- just like every other male i know. is a tweezer that feminine? i'd much prefer to see you with kempt eyebrows- it'd make your eyes look so much nicer. your eyes are nice and white, not like your teeth (which are awfully nice as well) but like how eyes should be. they have veins in them, which is good because i don't know where they could run off to otherwise, and they have the nicest irises. they aren't purple irises, but they are most certainly not brown- poo coloured, like mine. my eyes are brown like poop, and yours are bluer than the sky. it's nice to look at, especially because your hair is dark and lovely. they contrast and it makes me pleased. the pupil in your eyes is nice and dilated- but not to an extreme because i dont want to talk about addicts and addiction, and drugs and influential things save my teacher think i'm some sort of crack head myself. but your eyes are nice, demetrius. they are very very pleasant.

i once had a dream that everyone in my world was a little bit missing and they forgot all about me. once upon a time i woke up and realzied it was true. that eveyrone and everything would move on quite easily- i've had very little impact in my life.

my mother called me rude today, i suppose that she's entitled to her own opinion, but it was a bit of a dick move in all honesty. would she like it if i did the same? i would get kicked out of my house. this was only a minute long freewrite, but i guess it works well. i wonder where my paycheque is. is that how you spell it? the letter q is so unloved. but only by the u. i sometimes believe the q and the u are the king and queen of the alphabet- q is the queen, and u is the king, always protecting her. unless those strange words come around, those vile ones- i don't even know any of them off the top of my head- they're that vile.

i wish i was that innocent in other aspects of my life, not just alphabet crime.

What would you do if you grew up without a smile? I would be so sad, and upset. No one would even know if it were so either. If I cried people would think I was just either sad, or overjoyed. What if I were in pain? If I had no mouth, I would not have a tongue, so speaking aloud would be extremely difficult. I would not be able to laugh, or scream or whisper or sing. I wouldn't be able to kiss, or reassure anyone that everything would be okay. If I had no mouth, I would look funny as well, cause everyone would know something was missing. And frankly, I wouldn't be able to eat either. So none of this much matters, for I would be dead. I never really realized how important my mouth is to me- it makes me glad I treat it well with proper oral hygiene and an occasional floss as a nice treat. Oh little mouth, you are underestimated but so powerful. Thank you mouth, lips, tongue and teeth, thanks to you too.

...and now I will treat you by eating pie.

i don't want to be a hipster, thanks.

what is the point of a freewrite? why do we do things like freewrites? what makes them so special? are they here to advance our writing skills and develop our minds, to determine what is right and just in our heads- to make sure we can self-edit on the spot? i guess that's cool, but sort of monotonous. isn't half the art of writing saying something on the spot without making sure if it's corrected? it's an honest, unedited truth of that single moment, not a moment where everything is changed and altered in one's head to look right.

you know, i never thought i'd say it- but i think i hate the way things are going. i mean, sure- i'm happy where i am, with my friends and all that? but that other world i delve myself into is falling apart. how is it that seven people can manage to be so hateful and hurtful towards one another, and make each other feel like such shit? man, i just realized i totally edited earlier. i was going to call writing bullshit, which it's not, but i felt like it. there, now it's down. full honesty, right?

two year olds are called the terrible twos, but i don't think epople have a proper word for what the eighteen year olds are- fucked up? stressed to shit? a bunch of lying, cursing crazies? that works well. i don't have forty-five dollars to spend on a nice trip over to the world of limo-land, and i'd appreciate it if epoeple didn't screw me over every two seconds when it came to it. i don't like bitches, i don't like bullshit, and i just summarized most of my school's population so unfortunately i think i may not like you. i mean, i want to like people? but if you're a dick, you can screw off. sorry.

i just disconnected from the internet, apparently. i don't like writing free writes on the computer but it works, i suppose. i have more things to write this way and i can feel what ifeel. its not about how fast i can write, because god knows i can type quickly- but it's more about the lack of expression. is it cool when i bold something for everyone to see? HERE IS MY BOLDING TO SHOW I AM MAD.

socio is a bitch.

see, that shouldn't have been bolded. italics show personal thought. PERSONAL THOUGHT? hello, this is my free write. i should italicize EVERYTHING.

see what i did there? i changed the typography- a very avant garde, hipster thing to do.

...good god, my life is going down the drain.